Nothing Inspiring

I'm concluding my final clomid cycle. AF is due on Wednesday and I have absolutely no symptoms. I'm not anxious or anything.....but I have other things on my mind.

6 months ago I had an abnormal pap, so I went back for my next pap in the beginning of May. When I had my second pap, I asked the doctor to refer us to the fertility clinic in Calgary (still no word from them though). Anyways, the doctor phoned me back last Friday night and wanted to see me again to go over my results. Unfortunately I had another abnormal and he is quite concerned and wants me to see a gyno asap. They called a couple of days ago and I have to go in in two weeks to have a procedure done (cervical colonoscopy). The doctor said that I didn't have cancer but I honestly can't remember what he said. I'm concerned cuz my friend had a abnormal pap and was referred to the gyno, but she is not urgent and is booked in for August or September.

I haven't really let this bug me yet because I'm not sure what is wrong with me. It is worriesome though. I hope I'm going to be alright and that I can have babies. Maybe this is what is holding us up from having a baby......

It is finally feeling like summer. I got all my flowers planted and is starting to look like tan. I have a horrible tan line, so I need to work on that before wedding season begins. We are finally done drywalling, now we just got to get a mudder in and we start our summer of painting...yay!!!

Positivity......

Another cycle, come and gone. Obviously I'm not jumping thru the roof, so the results are not good. This was my second clomid cycle and I was hoping that it would have been a positive cycle. But alas, it was not our time.....YET.

I tried to be positive this whole cycle and not think about the TTC process. I still thought about it but I didn't obsess, so that was a great break.

Yesterday morning, I layed in bed......scared to death to get up to go pee. So afraid to see red. I went pee, no nothing, so I broke out the stick and used it......one very bright control line and the rest of the box was blatanly white. Dissappointment....but I didn't freak out. I had a little cry session but my emotions were in check. No crying off an on all day long, no moping around feeling bad, no rage! Woop woop, go me. I'm proud of myself for this. Those breakdowns are so hard on me and they are not healthy.

I watched "The Secret" a week ago. The key to reaching your goals is to be positive and just keep telling yourself that you will reach your goal. I tried that but it feels llike I'm lying to myself....how do I get myself to believe that it will happen? I *think* I know that it will happen. We are ment to be parents and damn good ones at that. I think it will happen.....but when??? I guess that is my problem. I am not a patient person and I'm pretty sure that I have used up all that patience.......

Going to start clomid in a few days, my last cycle. I have a DR appointment next week and will be asking to be referred to the fertility clinic in Calgary. I can't wait for this last cycle of clomid to be done because I know that I will no longer have anything to put all my eggs in a basket and we can go back to just doing it and hoping that it will happen..... I think maybe some of the pressure will be off of me. Until we get the appointment for the fertility clinic.....

May the zen gods be with me............