Well, its been awhile! Guess I have been in pretty good spirits. Last month was a write off when it came to TTC. DH was away during the good times, so I wasn't even upset when I got AF. But in good news, I was taking B6 to try and lengthen my lutuel phase and it worked. AF was almost 2 days late and I wasn't even really consistent on the B6, maybe taking it every second day or so! I was really impressed and amazed at how the body works.
This is a new month though and I have high hopes. I feel like a freakin cheer leader. I wish I knew when I was going to ovulate but I guess we are just going to have to have a bunch of sex. DH is working outside right now and told me that it was almost time to start screwing (the deck) and I said ok, get inside and then told him to be on the safe side that we must indulge in each other every 12 hours for the next week!!!! But I refuse to have sex cuz we HAVE to, I will only have sex when we WANT to have it.
My bestest friend called me the other day. I knew something was up cuz I just talked to him the other day and he said just hold on a second and I have to tell u something. At that point I knew what was up and I whispered into DH's ear that his girlfriend must be expecting. Sure enough, he finally spit it out that they were indeed expecting. He felt bad, it took him a while to tell him and he even said that he doesn't know how to say this to me and about how he felt bad telling me cuz we were trying and they weren't, etc. I held it together on the phone, I slightly broke down but hid my tears. As soon as I hung up though, DH asked me if I was ok and I just raced into the house bursting into tears for a few moments. I felt utterly selfish and like a horrible friend. I was happy for him but why was I crying for myself? I got over it though (in a big hurry because I didn't like how selfish I felt) and felt happy for my friend. I hope everything works out for him. Him and his gf have only been dating for a little while (6-9 months maybe) and they have a lot going on in their lives right now. But I'm going to be an auntie, he is going to be a good dad so all is good in the hood.
Nothing else is too exciting. We bought a quad and have been making all sorts of plans for next summer, for camping and quadding. Hopefully though, I'll be very pregnant or have a little baby. Maybe this will be our month though, my best friend and I are psychic friends and nothing more would please any of us if we were to have a baby at the same time. Hopes and dreams.
DH and I each have appointments for a physical next month. So that will be interesting. We have to go meet our DR first though, apparently he won't look at our private bits without meeting us first. So when we go, I'm going to discuss our family planning and will ask what sort of testing he will do or if he would just give us a referal to the fertility clinic here in town. I'd rather know now rather than later and I don't care if we have to pay for it.
But I should run. Maybe go help DH work around the yard, I don't feel too bad for slacking though, as I cooked and completely cleaned up from our first thanksgiving supper last night. Tata for now!
Monday, October 13, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Random
I lately have been trying to be the best person that I can possibly be. I love being green, it makes me so damn proud to have a overflowing blue box and only one grocery bag of garbage for one week! Go me. Too bad DH industry is like the biggest polluter in Canada. Too bad I drive a big gas gussling truck. But my house is built green, my appliances are energy efficient and I have the coolest and smallest hot water tank in the world. Being green makes me feel so good about myself. I wish everyone would follow in my foot steps and I wish my footsteps were more effective.
I'm a big believer in karma, maybe that is why I have the word karma tattoo'd on my side, so that karma is always on my side. I feel so guilty if I do something bad (like the other day when I took the open box sticker off a mouse at Best Buy and put it on the box that I was buying). Jesh, what a horrible person. But someone I make it ok in my head because they are big corporate companies that rob money blindy from me. Like when we bought our flat screen a few years ago, we paid 3 grand for it and now you can buy them for like 1.5 grand. I think I could become obsessed about being in the power of good karma.
I'm a big believer in karma, maybe that is why I have the word karma tattoo'd on my side, so that karma is always on my side. I feel so guilty if I do something bad (like the other day when I took the open box sticker off a mouse at Best Buy and put it on the box that I was buying). Jesh, what a horrible person. But someone I make it ok in my head because they are big corporate companies that rob money blindy from me. Like when we bought our flat screen a few years ago, we paid 3 grand for it and now you can buy them for like 1.5 grand. I think I could become obsessed about being in the power of good karma.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Trying To Keep It Together
Well, I've been doing pretty good with the whole not thinking about the baby, TTC issue.....until yesterday. I was so excited to see that AC/DC is touring, I hopped into my email to send DH the links so I could beg him to spend $800 on flights to go see them. Anyways, I see my friend had emailed me and the subject line was announcement. I open the email and there is this cute little slide saying that they are adding to their home, by two feet. EDD March. I just stopped and stared at my computer for a minute, got mad and slammed my laptop down and went and had a hot shower. Before I opened the doors to get out the shower I talked myself down and said I was going to leave all my sadness and jealousy in the shower. That worked pretty good.
It still makes me a little angry. My friend just got married at the end of July and she is older (32ish) and didn't want kids but her DH did. I suspect that they are having a wedding night baby. I'm hapy for them but I am so jealous.
I looked at my SIL pictures on facebook and there was our darling niece. Each little caption (Daddy's little girl, smiling for mama, etc) just pulls at my heart strings. They started dating after we did (over a year later), DH is the oldest child, they got married a year before us and had babies before us. We were supposed to be the first but I'm over that. I realize that they don't have life goals like we do but I'm pretty sure they went off BC on there first wedding anniversary and 9 months later came the little bundle of joy.
How am I going to deal with jealousy? I'm trying. I'm a bigger woman than that, I know I am. But I remember when everyone was getting married and engaged before us and I was so green with envy it wasn't even funny. But I somehow dealt with it and I guess I will have to some how deal with this.
On a TMI note, last night I had some major major mucus that is supposed to happen when you ovulate. I kinda wish I was charting so that I could see what is going on with my body. I've been taking B6 pills to try and extend my lutuel phase and by the looks of it, it is working and I am ovulating earlier. TO FREAKIN BAD DH ISN'T HOME so we will have no chance again this month.
Anyways, I got my little venting off my chest......until I get pissed off next time. Chow
It still makes me a little angry. My friend just got married at the end of July and she is older (32ish) and didn't want kids but her DH did. I suspect that they are having a wedding night baby. I'm hapy for them but I am so jealous.
I looked at my SIL pictures on facebook and there was our darling niece. Each little caption (Daddy's little girl, smiling for mama, etc) just pulls at my heart strings. They started dating after we did (over a year later), DH is the oldest child, they got married a year before us and had babies before us. We were supposed to be the first but I'm over that. I realize that they don't have life goals like we do but I'm pretty sure they went off BC on there first wedding anniversary and 9 months later came the little bundle of joy.
How am I going to deal with jealousy? I'm trying. I'm a bigger woman than that, I know I am. But I remember when everyone was getting married and engaged before us and I was so green with envy it wasn't even funny. But I somehow dealt with it and I guess I will have to some how deal with this.
On a TMI note, last night I had some major major mucus that is supposed to happen when you ovulate. I kinda wish I was charting so that I could see what is going on with my body. I've been taking B6 pills to try and extend my lutuel phase and by the looks of it, it is working and I am ovulating earlier. TO FREAKIN BAD DH ISN'T HOME so we will have no chance again this month.
Anyways, I got my little venting off my chest......until I get pissed off next time. Chow
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
One Flew Over the Cokoo's Nest
Well, I'm not pregnant and I had a freak out.
My mom was visiting and we had had a few drinks and were talking about my sisters and brother and there problems and how my mom likes to keep out of our lives. One thing leads to another and it is mentioned that I have no problems. Thats when I lost it, started bawling and said that I'm scared that I can't have a baby. I explained the WHOLE truth to my mom and felt like shit. I've never admitted the whole truth to no one but DH.
Its scary when the truth comes out, it all seems so much real. Mom and I talked, nothing making me feel better. I went to bed, cried and stared at the walls empitly. I woke up in the am crying more and felt the inevitably cramps of stupid AF. The next few mornings I woke up and went to sleep crying. I was unbelievably sad.
DH got home and I told him all my fears. I told him everything, about how really worried I am, about how I just bought a cloth diaper on ebay We've talked a few times since then and I feel much better about it all now that it is off my chest. Turns out DH is pretty worried too.
Now its time to do something about it. Do we go to the doctors? What if it is me??? I don't know if I want to know but not knowing will probably drive me insane. What if it is DH?? Will I still love him as much, will I want a divorce, will I hold it over his head for the rest of our lives?? I still haven't decided to make an appointment or not. I love my hubby more than anything and I would be happy with just him for the rest of my life, but I know that I would be happier with a family.
I've decided to quit charting. I starred at the damn chart for hours a day, wondering. It lead me to be all kinds of compulsive. I'm regular. I know when I will ovulate. There is just no reason to put myself through the torture of obsession. Now I've gotta stop thinking about it.....
I love blogging about this. Getting my feelings out there and not being judged by anyone. I just wonder if anyone is actually reading this.
Now we have to keep praying and stop obsessing!
My mom was visiting and we had had a few drinks and were talking about my sisters and brother and there problems and how my mom likes to keep out of our lives. One thing leads to another and it is mentioned that I have no problems. Thats when I lost it, started bawling and said that I'm scared that I can't have a baby. I explained the WHOLE truth to my mom and felt like shit. I've never admitted the whole truth to no one but DH.
Its scary when the truth comes out, it all seems so much real. Mom and I talked, nothing making me feel better. I went to bed, cried and stared at the walls empitly. I woke up in the am crying more and felt the inevitably cramps of stupid AF. The next few mornings I woke up and went to sleep crying. I was unbelievably sad.
DH got home and I told him all my fears. I told him everything, about how really worried I am, about how I just bought a cloth diaper on ebay We've talked a few times since then and I feel much better about it all now that it is off my chest. Turns out DH is pretty worried too.
Now its time to do something about it. Do we go to the doctors? What if it is me??? I don't know if I want to know but not knowing will probably drive me insane. What if it is DH?? Will I still love him as much, will I want a divorce, will I hold it over his head for the rest of our lives?? I still haven't decided to make an appointment or not. I love my hubby more than anything and I would be happy with just him for the rest of my life, but I know that I would be happier with a family.
I've decided to quit charting. I starred at the damn chart for hours a day, wondering. It lead me to be all kinds of compulsive. I'm regular. I know when I will ovulate. There is just no reason to put myself through the torture of obsession. Now I've gotta stop thinking about it.....
I love blogging about this. Getting my feelings out there and not being judged by anyone. I just wonder if anyone is actually reading this.
Now we have to keep praying and stop obsessing!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
I would give it up in a heart beat
I am still stuck in two week wait and I am going absolutely crazy. I am pretty postive that I am PMSing but I don't want to be. Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please let me be pregnant.
If you look at my life through a window, one might say its pretty perfect. I have a very happy marriage, lots of love, no big fights, a cute couple (lol). We live in a beautiful brand new house with all the upgrades we could have done and its all paid for. Everything in our house is brand new and paid for. We have an awesome family that we get along great with and same as our friends. Our health is good. I am fortunate enough to have been able to take the summer off.
But I can't help but think that we can't have everything.....is a baby the one thing we can't have? I would give up everything, except for our marriage, health and friends and family. I don't give a shit about the material possessions. I want to make a baby that is half me and half my husband. I want to see my husband flourish as a daddy aand I want him to see me as a mom.
I don't really know anyone else that has fertility issues, could we be the one in ten couples that do? Fertility issues, I don't even know if we do have issues I just want that BFP!
PLEASE
If you look at my life through a window, one might say its pretty perfect. I have a very happy marriage, lots of love, no big fights, a cute couple (lol). We live in a beautiful brand new house with all the upgrades we could have done and its all paid for. Everything in our house is brand new and paid for. We have an awesome family that we get along great with and same as our friends. Our health is good. I am fortunate enough to have been able to take the summer off.
But I can't help but think that we can't have everything.....is a baby the one thing we can't have? I would give up everything, except for our marriage, health and friends and family. I don't give a shit about the material possessions. I want to make a baby that is half me and half my husband. I want to see my husband flourish as a daddy aand I want him to see me as a mom.
I don't really know anyone else that has fertility issues, could we be the one in ten couples that do? Fertility issues, I don't even know if we do have issues I just want that BFP!
PLEASE
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Did I Swallow Some Crack
I have soooo much energy, I am wondering if someone put some crack in my coffee. The last two days I have just been off the wall with twitchy nerves. I feel like I could run a marathon. I haven`t even been drinking much coffee, maybe 2 cups a day. Weird. I should really be doing something with all my energy, but of course I am not, being lazy and wasting my days away. I am getting bored, hell I am bored. Its time for a job. I can`t believe its already been 3 months of unemployment so far, never thought I would last this long but I am so happy I did it. I haven`t had time to relax in years and I think I am officially caught up.
Days are dragging. I`m in the two week wait for my stupid period, which I hope and pray I don`t get. I take my temps every morning and turns out that fertility friend says I ovulated two days after DH left for work. Damnit, but they could be wrong....... My temps are still up but I am only 6DPO so I`ve got some waiting to do. God I want to be pregnant. Please let it be this month. My period is supposed to be here on the 2nd, so we will see then I suppose. Please don`t let it be a let down like every other month.
What the fuck is going on with my keyboard. None of the proper second symbols are working, as u can see with my apostraphies.
DH wants me to go for a drive today and buy him a quad. I think this is the stupidest thing I`ve heard all week. I would never send him to Calgary to buy me a pair of shoes, so why would he send me to this town that is two hours away.
Its my birthday next week. One of our good friends shares a bday with me and she wants to do something together. Except she is so boring, wants to stay home and have a BBQ. I suggested we go bowling, you know do something and get out of the house but she wants to stay at home. I have been very vague with her when she brings it up. But the other day I seen one of our other friends wrote on his FB that he is excited for our bday extravagaza. I want to go out and have fun dammit but I guess I don`t give to shits about my birthday so whatever.....
Days are dragging. I`m in the two week wait for my stupid period, which I hope and pray I don`t get. I take my temps every morning and turns out that fertility friend says I ovulated two days after DH left for work. Damnit, but they could be wrong....... My temps are still up but I am only 6DPO so I`ve got some waiting to do. God I want to be pregnant. Please let it be this month. My period is supposed to be here on the 2nd, so we will see then I suppose. Please don`t let it be a let down like every other month.
What the fuck is going on with my keyboard. None of the proper second symbols are working, as u can see with my apostraphies.
DH wants me to go for a drive today and buy him a quad. I think this is the stupidest thing I`ve heard all week. I would never send him to Calgary to buy me a pair of shoes, so why would he send me to this town that is two hours away.
Its my birthday next week. One of our good friends shares a bday with me and she wants to do something together. Except she is so boring, wants to stay home and have a BBQ. I suggested we go bowling, you know do something and get out of the house but she wants to stay at home. I have been very vague with her when she brings it up. But the other day I seen one of our other friends wrote on his FB that he is excited for our bday extravagaza. I want to go out and have fun dammit but I guess I don`t give to shits about my birthday so whatever.....
Thursday, August 21, 2008
I Want That, Right Now
And that leads us to today, still not pregnant.
Who knew it was going to be so difficult? I am really starting to stress about it and don't have anyone to talk to it about. Sure I've told a few people but no one (including DH) knows how much I am strugglling with this. I even bought a basal body temperture thingy and have been trying really hard to keep up with it. I even quit drinking caffiene for about a month.
DH thinks it will happen when it happens, part of me believes him, part of me doesn't. We haven't been on birth control for years and years. An explanation to why we haven't gotten pregnant in the past is probably because DH was gone for ridiculous amounts of time. Its hard to get pregnant when you are alone.
I'm getting to the point where it is hard for me to be around friends that are pregnant or have kids. I WANT THAT, RIGHT NOW. I want my kid to look up into my eyes with unconditional love. I want to see DH excel as a father, I want to be the mother to his children, I want to be pregnant and get fat.
Please please lord, pass the gift of children on to my husband and I.
Who knew it was going to be so difficult? I am really starting to stress about it and don't have anyone to talk to it about. Sure I've told a few people but no one (including DH) knows how much I am strugglling with this. I even bought a basal body temperture thingy and have been trying really hard to keep up with it. I even quit drinking caffiene for about a month.
DH thinks it will happen when it happens, part of me believes him, part of me doesn't. We haven't been on birth control for years and years. An explanation to why we haven't gotten pregnant in the past is probably because DH was gone for ridiculous amounts of time. Its hard to get pregnant when you are alone.
I'm getting to the point where it is hard for me to be around friends that are pregnant or have kids. I WANT THAT, RIGHT NOW. I want my kid to look up into my eyes with unconditional love. I want to see DH excel as a father, I want to be the mother to his children, I want to be pregnant and get fat.
Please please lord, pass the gift of children on to my husband and I.
My life, my life, my life
Well I guess I'm not a loser or a blogger. lol I am back here so that I can talk to myself, let the world know my problems without anyone knowing.
My life, my life, my life........
DH and I celebrated our one year anniversary a few weeks ago! I can't believe a year has gone by already. I am happy to say that the first year was great, it wasn't the same, it was just great. We are more comfortable with each other, which I didn't think was possible considering we have been living together for over 6 years before marriage. My love life is PERFECT.
We finally went on our honeymoon this winter. We went to Thailand for a month. It was absolutely perfect. I'm so OCD and like to have everything planned out, but I gave all that up for our trip. We booked our flights and our first night hotel in Bangkok. We had no idea what we were going to do, but we travelled the whole country, seen a lot of neat things, meet some great people and did lots of relaxing. I never thought we would have had such a great time but we did! I could have stayed for a while longer, but part of me (the city girl part) wanted a flushing toliet, hot showers, not living out of a back pack and not worrying about cockroaches crawling all over me. We got home, just in time for a snow storm. Lovely, going from 40 to -20 in 24 hours!
We got home, so in love, so excited to our friends and family. We quickly made a trip home to see our new niece that was born while we were away. That was kinda difficult, since we were expecting a BFP while we were away but lucky me got AF just in time for our flight home. I was happy for BIL and SIL but was also so jealous and a little bit sad. With DH working away all the god damn time, I thought sure as shit that I would be pregnant when we got home....
My life, my life, my life........
DH and I celebrated our one year anniversary a few weeks ago! I can't believe a year has gone by already. I am happy to say that the first year was great, it wasn't the same, it was just great. We are more comfortable with each other, which I didn't think was possible considering we have been living together for over 6 years before marriage. My love life is PERFECT.
We finally went on our honeymoon this winter. We went to Thailand for a month. It was absolutely perfect. I'm so OCD and like to have everything planned out, but I gave all that up for our trip. We booked our flights and our first night hotel in Bangkok. We had no idea what we were going to do, but we travelled the whole country, seen a lot of neat things, meet some great people and did lots of relaxing. I never thought we would have had such a great time but we did! I could have stayed for a while longer, but part of me (the city girl part) wanted a flushing toliet, hot showers, not living out of a back pack and not worrying about cockroaches crawling all over me. We got home, just in time for a snow storm. Lovely, going from 40 to -20 in 24 hours!
We got home, so in love, so excited to our friends and family. We quickly made a trip home to see our new niece that was born while we were away. That was kinda difficult, since we were expecting a BFP while we were away but lucky me got AF just in time for our flight home. I was happy for BIL and SIL but was also so jealous and a little bit sad. With DH working away all the god damn time, I thought sure as shit that I would be pregnant when we got home....
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