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Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.
IVF is Physically Taxing
Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.
IVF Raises Ethical Issues
Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.
Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF
On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.
If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.
A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.
Don't Play Doctor
Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:
Blocked fallopian tubes
Cysts
Endometriosis
Low hormone levels
Low "normal form" sperm count
Low progesterone level
Low sperm count
Low sperm motility
Thin uterine walls
Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.
You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
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Another NEGATIVE Month

Another failed attempt at TTC.

This month I didn't do so well with keeping my emotions in check. I was not in any way expecting to get a BFP this month but I was sad and cry-ie when AF showed up. DH is offically off of breakup and now it will be harder to TTC with him gone.

DH was a total sweetie during my meltdown. He held me and whispered positivity in my ear. When that didn't work, he took me out for sundaes....which didn't work either cuz I ended up ordering my old favorite and not me new favorite. The next day he came home with a bouquet of flowers because he couldn't remember where the cupcake bakery was. But I had already begun to feel better as I had a marathon listening session of the climb.

Anyways, I hope to start updating this regulary and getting all my thoughts and feelings out there.

Go Me

Well on Wednesday AF was supposed to show up. I was feeling crampy but I didn't get AF. Thursday morning I thought sure as shit AF would rear her ugly face but nothing. DH and I were leaving for a camping trip in the bush for the weekend so on the way I stopped and bought some tests. AF is never ever late. I wasn't even really hopeful on Thursday because I thought AF was just playing a cruel joke on me. But by late Thursday afternoon I couldn't contain myself, so out into the bush I went and peed on a stick. Sure enough, only one line showed up. I didn't really understand what the eff was going on. Everytime I made a trip to the bathroom, I would tell DH that she still wasn't here. I was starting to get a little bit excited but still had the thought in my head that it was going to be a cruel joke.

Friday morning I wake up, no AF still. Two days late, never ever happens. So I go to the bush again and pee on a stick. One line shows up, WTF!!!! The weather was shitty, it was raining all day and I was waiting on stupid AF. Sure enough, later in the afternoon AF appears. For what could have been the ultimate miserable day, out in the bush, I have the biggest glimmer of pregnancy in our entire TTC battle, rain, cold and then AF......

But I took the high road, not a single tear was shed, no big pity party for this girl. DH was dissappointed, he told me that he was getting a little bit excited. I am proud of myself for keeping my emotions in check. I'm still pissed off that she teased me like that. I wonder WTF is the matter with us, three rounds of clomid and nothing. And plus, AF is getting lighter and lighter every month. Maybe I will get answers next week when I have my procedure done.

The rest of the camping trip turned out to be ok. Friday night the rain turned into snow as we were heading to our tent, but we kept warm. Saturday was an alright day weatherwise. I couldn't help but feel like bear bait all weekend. I swear I read somewhere that bears can smell blood, but maybe that was just sharks. Its not fun camping in the middle of the bush with AF and no bathrooms. I definately felt like a grizzly woman!

My BFF had his first very-much-an-accident baby on Tuesday. He was so happy and excited. He cried for half an hour when she was born and kept telling me how beautiful she was and how much he loves her. He definately has never been a kids-guy so I asked him if he was scared to hold her....but no, it all comes naturel when it is your baby! Ouch, I could have broken down on the phone but I kept it together and had a little pity party on DH's shoulder when I got off the phone.

I've been feeling a little down this week when it comes to babies. First, my BFF has his baby (and I am seriously happy for him), then my ex-BFF just had a baby on the weekend, and we were always very competitive. My friend is celebrating her daughters 2nd bday on the weekend and all I hear about is how much she is changing, how great it is to hear I love you, etc etc.

WILL IT EVER BE OUR TURN????????????????

Anyways, the more I think about it the more bummed out it makes me. So until next time...

Nothing Inspiring

I'm concluding my final clomid cycle. AF is due on Wednesday and I have absolutely no symptoms. I'm not anxious or anything.....but I have other things on my mind.

6 months ago I had an abnormal pap, so I went back for my next pap in the beginning of May. When I had my second pap, I asked the doctor to refer us to the fertility clinic in Calgary (still no word from them though). Anyways, the doctor phoned me back last Friday night and wanted to see me again to go over my results. Unfortunately I had another abnormal and he is quite concerned and wants me to see a gyno asap. They called a couple of days ago and I have to go in in two weeks to have a procedure done (cervical colonoscopy). The doctor said that I didn't have cancer but I honestly can't remember what he said. I'm concerned cuz my friend had a abnormal pap and was referred to the gyno, but she is not urgent and is booked in for August or September.

I haven't really let this bug me yet because I'm not sure what is wrong with me. It is worriesome though. I hope I'm going to be alright and that I can have babies. Maybe this is what is holding us up from having a baby......

It is finally feeling like summer. I got all my flowers planted and is starting to look like tan. I have a horrible tan line, so I need to work on that before wedding season begins. We are finally done drywalling, now we just got to get a mudder in and we start our summer of painting...yay!!!

Positivity......

Another cycle, come and gone. Obviously I'm not jumping thru the roof, so the results are not good. This was my second clomid cycle and I was hoping that it would have been a positive cycle. But alas, it was not our time.....YET.

I tried to be positive this whole cycle and not think about the TTC process. I still thought about it but I didn't obsess, so that was a great break.

Yesterday morning, I layed in bed......scared to death to get up to go pee. So afraid to see red. I went pee, no nothing, so I broke out the stick and used it......one very bright control line and the rest of the box was blatanly white. Dissappointment....but I didn't freak out. I had a little cry session but my emotions were in check. No crying off an on all day long, no moping around feeling bad, no rage! Woop woop, go me. I'm proud of myself for this. Those breakdowns are so hard on me and they are not healthy.

I watched "The Secret" a week ago. The key to reaching your goals is to be positive and just keep telling yourself that you will reach your goal. I tried that but it feels llike I'm lying to myself....how do I get myself to believe that it will happen? I *think* I know that it will happen. We are ment to be parents and damn good ones at that. I think it will happen.....but when??? I guess that is my problem. I am not a patient person and I'm pretty sure that I have used up all that patience.......

Going to start clomid in a few days, my last cycle. I have a DR appointment next week and will be asking to be referred to the fertility clinic in Calgary. I can't wait for this last cycle of clomid to be done because I know that I will no longer have anything to put all my eggs in a basket and we can go back to just doing it and hoping that it will happen..... I think maybe some of the pressure will be off of me. Until we get the appointment for the fertility clinic.....

May the zen gods be with me............

Zen Goddess in Training?!?

I've been trying to stay away from my thoughts about TTC and that is why I haven't updated in a while.

I started Clomid cycle #2 on April 12 (ended the 16th) and am currently at CD13. (I shouldn't be thinking about this shit, I'm gonna head out on a downward spiral) Anyways, this round of clomid was a true turn around from the first cycle. I am not pyscho bitch woman, I'm normal happy with a touch of hot flashes. I would take the hot flashes any day over psyco woman.

No signs of ovulation yet but we r gonna start doing and keeping the goods in.....Had a "great" chat with my momma about tips she got from her friend that battled with IF. I was told to do it missionary, hold the goods in for atleast an hour, don't finish anywhere but in the bedroom, take vitamin b6, etc. Great conversation to be having with your momma at 10am on a Saturday morning.

Anyways, I have big plans of keeping the goods in as long as possible and trying to keep my hips elvated. I've also been drinking craptons of green tea as it worked wonders with my CM last month and clomid is supposed to dry a girl up...

Finally started talking to A about his in our daily walks, I guess our friendship is growing. A was 29 when they conceived and they weren't supposed to have kids cuz thats what there doctors said (rolling my eyes a little bit cuz I know how much A overexagerates). She did the whole legs in the air thing when they got pregnant.

I'm really starting to feel the whole not thinking about babies thing is slipping out of my control. I have to stop thinking and talking about it. I'm gonna finish this entry and go to bed and wake up a more zen like woman!

ZEN ZEN ZEN

In other news, I've been doing ok on the weightloss. I finally finally broke over my plateau am down almost 13 pounds! I haven't weighed in in a week but tomorrow is going to be the big day. I've been eating ok, not quite as disiplined with hubby home. But I've been going for walks 3-6 times a week (wearing leg weights now) and either riding my bike or doing my stepper or pilates and belly dancing once a week. I love Tuesday nights because they are Biggest Loser evenings and I work my ass off during the episode.

I had a fashion show with all my clothes that I haven't worn in months or years. My dress pants and dress shirts are large now. The bridesmaid dress that I wore two years ago (its strapless), falls down, past my bra!!! I can actually do up these little hipsters that I bought in Brazil when I was 17 years old! That was the most remarkable thing....even though they were skin tight and I had pudge hanging out, they were done up with out a fight!!!! My boobs have gone though, I betcha I'm only a C cup (down from a full D). I miss them....and so does DH (thats the first thing he noticed when he got home from being gone for 4 weeks).

Yawn, its my bed time!

ZEN ZEN ZEN

Can I Control Myself???

I've had such a peaceful month so far, DH has been out of town for work for my entire cycle, so I had no TWW. No stress, no thinking too much, over-anaylzing or worrying.....its been awesome. Now DH is home and I am waiting for AF to show and then I am going to begin my second round of clomid. I really want to keep the peace though and I'm not sure how I am going to work that. I still want to count out to ovulation so that we can BD at the appropriate times but I don't want all the stress that is associated with the TWW.

How do I do this?

I hear so many people that take breaks on TTC and suddenly get pregnant that month but we aren't taking a break, we are using clomid so its going to be in my head. I think I will try meditation but I can't meditate all day.

We are planning a trip home at the end of the month so that is something to look forward too but that is right at the end of my TWW. Eeeek! I should just throw myself into exercise every time I think about babies.

Great news, last year a girl on a board that I belong too lost her baby while she was in the 8th month of pregnancy. She tried so hard to get pregnant and finally resulted in her pregnancy with IVF and then god took her baby away. I was so sad for her. I went to a fertility shrine and prayed for her, me, my BFF and another girl on that same board that had been TTC for way too long. Sure enough when I got home the one girl was pregnant and now almost a year later the other board member is pregnant. Hhhhmmmm, I am truly happy for her, no jealousy whatsoever.

Well I'm not sure if I'll be back or not for a while, as this is my blog about TTC and if I'm writing on here that means that I'm thinking about it!

Please pray for us and wish us luck!!!

Peace

Ahhh, I love not having to think about if I am ovulating, if we should have sex and if my period is going to show up.....DH is still out of town at work and there is no end in sight. So this month is a write off and that is ok, I need to chill and not to think about the TTC process. I hope I can keep this up next month.

DH should be home in time for next month so I am going to take clomid again, joy!?! Not looking forward to that but April does bring a lot of excitement. A trip home planned, my brother visiting and my BFF's baby shower! Hopefully I can keep my out of control clomid emotions in check for all of that!

I've come to terms with not conceiving last month. I got a pretty big infection and I couldn't be on the meds if I was pregnant. Plus DH is pretty worried about the economy and how much time he might have off this spring and if there will be much work after spring. So maybe the big man up above is looking out for us and I thank him for that. It will be our time when it is meant to be our time!!! Maybe god if finally teaching me patience......

Nothing too much else is new. I kinda fell off the weightloss wagon, took 3 days off. Not that I over ate or anything (I could barely keep my calories up) but I didn't exercise for 3 whole days, which is fine but it sure did feel good to get back on the wagon yesterday. We got a huge dump of snow today so I got some extra exercise in shovelling the foot of snow from our walk way and deck!! Good lord that was a work out!!!

Better

I am feeling a little better today. I have been having a pity party the day my period arrives for the last few months and there is nothing I can do about it. Honestly I think it is part of the process, kind of a grieving process. TTC unsuccessfully is the hardest thing that I have ever been thru and I just pray that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

I had a great chat with my mom last night. I just needed to talk to someone. To let all my problems and fears come out. I didn't hold anything back and it felt great, even though I don't like hearing opinions about DR's etc. But I did feel like my mom understood that this isn't easy and that it isn't something that I can just forget about and not worry about.

I just love the way my mom can make me feel better. I'm a 25 year old woman that still calls my mom when I'm sick and feel much better after talking to her. I hope that one day I can be that good of mom to my child.

I found this quote last night that I am thinking about passing on to a few friends to enlighten their understanding:

"The experience of infertility plunges people into contact with the outermost reaches of their humanity. Infertility is a profound crisis that threatens identity, relationships, and continuity. It threatens one’s sense of the world, it disturbs beliefs and assumptions, and it belies safety and security. It is an emergency that uses up coping skills, and depletes resources; people start to run on empty as their chronic stress levels move into the area of trauma. Infertility can shut people down emotionally, it necessarily limits and narrows; people are functioning in “emergency mode,” a black and white vantage point that oversimplifies for the purpose of survival. This is not the best place to understand the complexities of human interactions, or the perspective of the “other;” this is a time to survive, and everything else may feel inessential, a luxury."

What a Difference A Day Makes

Its amazing what a difference one day makes.....

Yesterdays Feelings: Scared, Anxious, Hopeful, Excited, Nervous, Impatient

Todays Feelings: Hate, Anger, Hopelessness, Pity, Despair, Depression, Sad, Empty, Scared, Mad, Done

So it seems like a month of doing everything possible, taking drugs that cause my ovaries to go into overtime, having copious amounts of sex, laying in bed for long periods of time after sex, worrying about if we did it is ALL A WASTE OF FUCKING TIME AND ENERGY.

I'm so scared that its never going to happen for us. We did everything right this month and nothing happened. DH even stayed home from work so that we could get in all the BDing possible.

I'm so utterly sad. I'm so fucking mad. But I am terribly empty.....

....

Well I'm still waiting for answers. I'm so scared every single time that I go to the bathroom that I will see red. So scared that I find myself praying on the toliet seat.

Since my cycle was so wacky last month (26 days only), I am guestimating that AF was due yesterday or today. Usually she rears her ugly head later in the afternoon, so I am still praying. I told myself the other day I would allow myself to test tomorrow but I am not sure that I am brave enough to see a BFN.

I am obsessively looking shit up on the interwebz and have been reading lots about clomid causing AF to come late and playing horrible mind games with all the poor women so that is what is making me scared to test.

I really don't want to get AF this month and I am truly scared.

In other news, I am still diligently working out and eating well. Since January I have gone from 150-143ish! Woop woop. I think I am doing fabulously but still need to work on my diet because most days I am not getting enough fat and too many carbs and right around the right mark of calories. For excercise I have only been doing my Wii Fit. I have stepped it up this last week and have started doing the jack knife and plank challenges, was up to 50 jack knives yesterday. At night I've been doing the free step for about half hour and on Monday I stepped it up to 40 minutes and yesterday I bought 2.5 weights for my arms or legs and for half an hour I kept them on my legs and for an extra ten minutes I put them on my arms and did various different lifts and then I did the free run for 10 minutes. I am hoping come spring that I will be out jogging! And come summer I will be running around in a little bikini and hopefully not being self conscious!

Still Waiting

I've spent the morning drinking delicous Tim Hortons coffee and reading blogs about TTC. Some of them were very old and not updated but lots of them are now pregnant and unfortunately some are still trying. I love reading that after being so hopeless that they are now pregnant! I so hope I can be one of those blogs one day.

I like reading about other peoples journey in the TTC process. It really gives me hope. Plus I love knowing that I'm not the only crazy obsessive woman out there. Its so hard to keep all my emotions all bundled up and not share them with anyone because no one understands what I am going thru.

The last few nights I have been having baby dreams. The first night it was about me being pregnant and the next night it was about my best friend (who is having a baby). The second dream had me very sad when I woke up. I told DH about my dream and that I was being a funky monkey (my new term that I came up with this week when I was just feeling BLAH). He then asked me if I thought this was our month and how he hoped it was. Very sweet and touching but I crushed those dreams with my funky monkiness and told him that it probably wasn't and that it would not happen.

I am happy to report that I didn't have any baby dreams last night, so that is good. Its not good waking up sad and feeling oh so empty. I was so tired last night that I was in bed around 10pm and sleeping way before 11pm, which is odd for me.

I can't type and drink coffee at the same time so I should run!

Loooooooongest Month Eva

Good lord, this is the longest cycle ever. I hate waiting. Usually I only obsess during the 2WW but since I was on clomid this month, I've been obsessing since CD5! Eeeek!

We've been trying to keep busy to keep my mind off of things but those thoughts are still rotating thru my head.

Only about 6 or so more days of waiting.

God I want good news! I had a wonderful dream last night that I was just days away from giving birth and I was running around in the mall of my hometown with my BFF from my current city and we were trying to find a baby naming book because I had no ideas what to name my baby. I woke up sad and a little hopeful.

My time will come! My time will come!

Side Effects

I'm all done my first round of clomid. Wow! I decided to take the pills right before bed so that I could sleep thru the sideffects. The first night I took them I was all alone so I was kinda freaked out because I was scared that I would over dose or die of an side effect but I woke up fine. Actually I woke up lots throughout the night wondering if I was ok and if I was having a reaction.

DH came home from work the next day. I was very happy for that because I needed him more than ever. Plus he will hopefully be home for lots of BDing! I hate that his job takes him out of town. It is really dampering our TTC efforts. So many months we have been screwed over at ovulation time by him just going to work or he will come home just after ovulation, obviously too late. Oh well, it must not have been our time.

Anyways, back to the clomid. Take it the second night, no problems. The next day DH and I had a lot of running around to do and while we were out and about (generally having an ok time other than a melt down at the grocery store) I say something to DH and he just says, its ok its just the pills talking. Then I started noticing the ill side effect I was encountering.

MOOD SWINGS!

Ack, I'm just an emotional mean mess right now. Its just like PMS (that I just got done with less than a week ago). I had warned DH that a very common side effect was moodiness and I told him that he had to be nice to me and just grin and bear it. He's been doing a pretty good job with it but I'm feeling very bad for him and maybe I will have to do something nice.

Last night we went out to eat. I have eaten out in a long time and was a little anxious because of the whole change of diet recently. But I needed to eat and get out with my hubby man so I put the diet in the back of my head and had some mozzarella sticks as an appy, a disguistingly fattening plate of mac and cheese and dessert! We each got a little dessert with our meal and as we were ordering I said cheese cake and was about to make a suggestion to DH about what he should get (cuz I've been having PMS like food cravings too) he said chocolate sundae! Exactly what I wanted. I felt very much in love with my DH that he could read me and know me like that. So I told him now every time that I'm grumpy that he should just said chocolate sundae and I would get a big smile on my face. Lets just say that chocolate sundae has been said a lot around here.

I'm done the pills for a month.....but now what? What should we be doing to make this effective as possible without putting too much thought and effort into something that is supposed to be so natural? I think I'm going to use OPK's but I wanna do my homework on if I should take mucinex or just use preseed. I have noticed that I have hardly had an CM this month and last month I had lots. I've been trying to drink a lot of water. But should we stick the every second day BD? Which I don't want to because we just went without for 3 weeks and we have a lot of catching up to do. Should I lay in bed with my hips elevated for 20 minutes.

Ugh, why can't we just fuck, clean up the after mess and cuddle and make babies like everyone else????????????????????

Dh has baby fever. Last night as we were walking into the resturant we held the door open for a young family and little maybe 1 year was toddling out and DH was trying to talk to him and give him big smiles. That made my heart smile and hurt at the same time. I want to give him that and share that with him but why haven't I given him that?

I wish he was more involved and I wish I could talk to him more about my thoughts without sounding too crazy and obsessive!

I hope this clomid is going to work for us because I very much do not like the side effects and am thinking that DH will want to shoot me before 3 months is up. I keep buggin the poor guy about the triplets that we are going to make (and name them Jerome, Meeka and Dion after the greatest hockey team ever) and that I read on the interwebz that mood swings carry on for the pregnancy!

Hopefuly I will be back with good news in a couple of weeks!

Clomid

I thought I was doing so good last month, not obsessing about making a baby and then AF decided to show up 2 days early and boy was I devasted. I knew we probably wouldn't get pregnant this cycle but I just hate AF. She is so cruel. I was so angry and sad. I honestly wanted to stay in bed all day and cry but I dragged my ass out of bed and tried to go on with my life.

I started clomid last night after much debate. DH brought up the fact that I don't take aspirin when I have a headache so why the hell would I talk a fertility drug?? I kinda feel like we are cheating god or destiny but maybe this is our destiny?? We talked about it and decided to go thru with it. I want to make progress and see if it works and if not we will get booked into to seeing a fertility specialist.

I just don't how long I can keep going on like this. Getting pregnant is supposed to be easy and no one fucking understands and I'm sick of the comments that it will happen and you have to stop thinking about it. Easy for you to say as you got pregnant within a month. I just wish I had someone in my life who actually understands but I don't wish fertility issues on my worst enemy so its good that I have no one to relate too.

I just hope our time happens soon.......

Moving Forward

I think we will be trying clomid this next cycle. DH is still out of town working but he thinks he will be home by the beginning of March, which is when I should be ovulating! I'm excited at the possibility of finally getting to try the clomid! I hope it works for us!

All is well in my life. Been doing really well at the whole not thinking about getting pregnant. DH even commented that I have been much more relaxed about it this month. He then said that was talking with a guy at work and saying how we are TTC and this guy and his wife TTC for 12 years! I hope we don't have to wait that long because I would have given up by then.

AF is due on Friday the 13th! Yikes!! Oh well, get it over with so I can start the clomid and we can do lots of BDing!!!

Still not Caring

Hello! Well I'm still not thinking about TTC and I'm proud of myself. Well I wouldn't say that I completely stopped caring but I am definately not obsessing anymore. A few things still bug me:

1. My sis telling me that she has something to tell me that will make me angry.....her 18 yr old friend is pregnant. Didn't get upset at all. I feel bad for this little girl that I've know forever. But it did upset me that my sis and mom talked about how it would upset me. Errr

2. My BFF talking in passing about not having problems getting pregnant and then getting a horrified look on her face and back tracking. Ugh, why not just stab me???

3. Same BFF asking me the other day how the whole TTC thing is going. It hurts me to talk about it. What am I supposed to say?

4. Realizing I only have a few more months left to have a baby in 2009. This scares me that time is going by so fast!


I'm still putting all my obsession into my eating and excerising. I love sparkpeople. The nutritional tracker is so awesome. I always thought I ate so healthy but I realize how bad olive oil is or how much carbs are in everything. I hope I can see some results one day! Excerising is going ok, I need to do more but I got out my bike last night and did 5km. Each day I'm going to try and take it a little bit farther. I want to take a spin class but don't want to look like a out of shape loser so hopefully in the next few weeks I can get up to 60 minutes of cycling.

I've also starting drinking lots of water. Usually I could drink a glass or 2 a day and not be thirsty. Now I'm drinking atleast 8 glasses of water a day and if I don't I'm soooo thirsty. Plus my CM has increased amazingly!!!! And all these people are taking herbal supplements to increase CM.

Anyways thats my thoughts of the day. I'm going to go excerise since I have all this energy built up! Adios

Not Caring

Just signing into blog even though I don't care anymore about TTC. I'm doing really well at keeping it out of my head and it seems to be working. I don't think this month is gonna happen cuz DH is out of town but oh well, there will be another month and maye I will try my clomid.

I do care but I can't care. Like last night when my BFF were talking and she said something about never having problems getting pregnant and immediately stopped what she was saying, got a horrible look on her face and but her hand on my knee and apologized and said that she thinks about me lots. It was a small slap to the face and I know she didn't mean anything by it and in a way it was a little bit of a relief cuz atleast I know that she is taking our issues seriously, etc. Then my sister this morning tells me that she has something to tell me that is going to make me very mad....her little school friend that I used to babysit is pregnant. 18 years old, going to college and pregnant. I wasn't mad at all (or jealous). I'M OVER IT.

I hope I can keep this attitude up because I think it is healthy for my head.

I also found the website sparkpeople and I've been tracking my food. I love it and this can be my new internet obsession (instead of baby websites).

DH has a major case of baby fever. Its cute and I bug him.

Anyways, gotta get off of here before I start thinking so much!

TTYL

Giving Up

Part of me wants to give up TTC. I'm just so frustrated. As I am watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 and all the pregnancy commercials just make me angry and so freaking mad. I'm just so mad at my body, I don't understand why we are not making babies. Last month we had lots of freakin sex, every morning. I layed in bed with a pillow under my butt for like 15 minutes after sex. I took my vitamins, I pretty much quit drinking in the TWW. DH has been taking maca. We've eaten healthy, drank lots of water...... The only thing I have left to do is quit thinking.

Maybe that is my problem, probably is. I was obsessive in the last week before my period. I'm going to stay mad at my body and myself. Maybe that will help me.

I just wish I had some one in real life who could understand the shit that is going on with me. Everyone I know gets pregnant right away. Actually, one of my BFF's hasn't gotten pregnant yet and they have been trying for a year but it doesn't seem to bug her or she just doesn't let me know how much is does bug her. I try and talk to her about it but I just sound liike a crazy freak. Maybe I will call her......

Stupid body.....

STUPID AF

Well I'm back posting again to get some shit off my mind.

I got my stupid period again. I had myself all convinced that I was pregnant. I had been feeling well all week, boobs were sore, had a super low tolerance for alcohol, etc etc. I kept myself from testing until Saturday morning, when AF was due. Friday night when I went to bed I kept thinking to myself, this is my last normal night, the last night before I find out I am pregnant. DH even said all week that I had a mischievous twinkle in my eye all week.

I'm starting to give up hope. I don't know if I will ever have a baby that I desperately want. I tried being all positive this month that this was the month and BOOM, AF breaks my heart. Last night when I went to bed I wanted to cry and cry and cry. I just don't understand why God hasn't given me a baby.

Now DH is back gone away to work and its going to be hit and miss for a long time. There isn't even any point to doing clomid this month as he will be gone by the time I'm ovulating.

Why is it so hard for us????? WHY

Its Been Awhile....

Wow! Its been 3 months to the day since I updated.......

Well unforunately I do not have any great news, per say. I am still not pregnant but we found out that we can get pregnant so that is FANTASTIC news.

DH and I each went for a physical. All my hormone levels came back great. DH did a semen anaylsis and we waited and waited and waited for the results. Finally a few days later the DR calls back and wants DH to come in. I was freaking out, unable to sleep and just a big bundle of nerves. DH gets up and was at the clinic as soon as it opened and it turned out he was not called in about is semen anaylsis. So we wait and wait and wait. It had been a month when the DR's office calls me in and wants to see me. Now I'm freaking out, why do they want to see me???? So the next day both DH and I go into the DR and turned out I had an abnormal pap. We ask about his semen anaylsis and everything was great.

The doctor then talked to us about our options. We could start clomid for 3 months and if that doesn't work we will then get referred to a fertility clinic (which is about a 2-3 month wait to get in). We take the prescription for clomid, unsure what we are going to do abouty it. Leaving that doctors office with that great news was awesome!!!! I practically jumed into DH's arms and you couldn't wipe the smile off my face.

It feels so good knowing that everything is ok and our timing must just be off. Truly a huge weight lifted off our shoulders.

So DH is home for a few months working in town. Lots of opportunity for baby making. I was expecting AF right before Christmas and was so excited at the possibility of getting the BFP and being able to announce it to our families during Christmas. Well, AF showed up right on time. Damn it!!!!!!

Now I was supposed to start the clomid on CD5 but since we were out of town and the doctor mistakingly wrote someone else's name on the prescription, that was not going to happen that month. DH is/was hesitant about clomid as it does increase the likelyhood of multiples but we did our homework and looked at the probability and I finally convinced him. I honestly wouldn't care if we had twins or trips (anymore than that at once though, would not be ideal in my books). He is just so scared that we would end up like Jon and Kate Plus 8.

Hhhm, what else is happening on the baby making front????

I got some OPK's in clearance for half off so we used them this month and I was very unsatisfied with them. With charting and using OPK's previously, I ovulated on CD17 (and had a 28 day cycle). With these OPK's the only day that I actually had a dark second line was on CD14. CD17's OPK was so faint you could barely see it. WTF???? So I am assuming that I ovulated on CD14. I think we timed our sex good. (I'm excited to see what happens as on CD14 we got kinda drunk and came home and had some fantastic sex). Anyways, if I acutally ovulated on CD14, I will be having the perfect 28 day cycle, which is kinda sweet cuz I was working to lengenthn my luteul phase.

AF is due this Saturday and I have no pregnancy tests in the house so if AF isn't here by Sunday off to Walmart we go with fingers crossed!!!!!! And if anyone is actually reading this, please keep us in your prayers as we both have caught the baby fever bad over Christmas!!!!

Well that is my update for now and I will try posting more.

Audios.

Ups and Downs.....but mostly Ups

Well, its been awhile! Guess I have been in pretty good spirits. Last month was a write off when it came to TTC. DH was away during the good times, so I wasn't even upset when I got AF. But in good news, I was taking B6 to try and lengthen my lutuel phase and it worked. AF was almost 2 days late and I wasn't even really consistent on the B6, maybe taking it every second day or so! I was really impressed and amazed at how the body works.

This is a new month though and I have high hopes. I feel like a freakin cheer leader. I wish I knew when I was going to ovulate but I guess we are just going to have to have a bunch of sex. DH is working outside right now and told me that it was almost time to start screwing (the deck) and I said ok, get inside and then told him to be on the safe side that we must indulge in each other every 12 hours for the next week!!!! But I refuse to have sex cuz we HAVE to, I will only have sex when we WANT to have it.

My bestest friend called me the other day. I knew something was up cuz I just talked to him the other day and he said just hold on a second and I have to tell u something. At that point I knew what was up and I whispered into DH's ear that his girlfriend must be expecting. Sure enough, he finally spit it out that they were indeed expecting. He felt bad, it took him a while to tell him and he even said that he doesn't know how to say this to me and about how he felt bad telling me cuz we were trying and they weren't, etc. I held it together on the phone, I slightly broke down but hid my tears. As soon as I hung up though, DH asked me if I was ok and I just raced into the house bursting into tears for a few moments. I felt utterly selfish and like a horrible friend. I was happy for him but why was I crying for myself? I got over it though (in a big hurry because I didn't like how selfish I felt) and felt happy for my friend. I hope everything works out for him. Him and his gf have only been dating for a little while (6-9 months maybe) and they have a lot going on in their lives right now. But I'm going to be an auntie, he is going to be a good dad so all is good in the hood.

Nothing else is too exciting. We bought a quad and have been making all sorts of plans for next summer, for camping and quadding. Hopefully though, I'll be very pregnant or have a little baby. Maybe this will be our month though, my best friend and I are psychic friends and nothing more would please any of us if we were to have a baby at the same time. Hopes and dreams.

DH and I each have appointments for a physical next month. So that will be interesting. We have to go meet our DR first though, apparently he won't look at our private bits without meeting us first. So when we go, I'm going to discuss our family planning and will ask what sort of testing he will do or if he would just give us a referal to the fertility clinic here in town. I'd rather know now rather than later and I don't care if we have to pay for it.

But I should run. Maybe go help DH work around the yard, I don't feel too bad for slacking though, as I cooked and completely cleaned up from our first thanksgiving supper last night. Tata for now!

Random

I lately have been trying to be the best person that I can possibly be. I love being green, it makes me so damn proud to have a overflowing blue box and only one grocery bag of garbage for one week! Go me. Too bad DH industry is like the biggest polluter in Canada. Too bad I drive a big gas gussling truck. But my house is built green, my appliances are energy efficient and I have the coolest and smallest hot water tank in the world. Being green makes me feel so good about myself. I wish everyone would follow in my foot steps and I wish my footsteps were more effective.

I'm a big believer in karma, maybe that is why I have the word karma tattoo'd on my side, so that karma is always on my side. I feel so guilty if I do something bad (like the other day when I took the open box sticker off a mouse at Best Buy and put it on the box that I was buying). Jesh, what a horrible person. But someone I make it ok in my head because they are big corporate companies that rob money blindy from me. Like when we bought our flat screen a few years ago, we paid 3 grand for it and now you can buy them for like 1.5 grand. I think I could become obsessed about being in the power of good karma.

Trying To Keep It Together

Well, I've been doing pretty good with the whole not thinking about the baby, TTC issue.....until yesterday. I was so excited to see that AC/DC is touring, I hopped into my email to send DH the links so I could beg him to spend $800 on flights to go see them. Anyways, I see my friend had emailed me and the subject line was announcement. I open the email and there is this cute little slide saying that they are adding to their home, by two feet. EDD March. I just stopped and stared at my computer for a minute, got mad and slammed my laptop down and went and had a hot shower. Before I opened the doors to get out the shower I talked myself down and said I was going to leave all my sadness and jealousy in the shower. That worked pretty good.

It still makes me a little angry. My friend just got married at the end of July and she is older (32ish) and didn't want kids but her DH did. I suspect that they are having a wedding night baby. I'm hapy for them but I am so jealous.

I looked at my SIL pictures on facebook and there was our darling niece. Each little caption (Daddy's little girl, smiling for mama, etc) just pulls at my heart strings. They started dating after we did (over a year later), DH is the oldest child, they got married a year before us and had babies before us. We were supposed to be the first but I'm over that. I realize that they don't have life goals like we do but I'm pretty sure they went off BC on there first wedding anniversary and 9 months later came the little bundle of joy.

How am I going to deal with jealousy? I'm trying. I'm a bigger woman than that, I know I am. But I remember when everyone was getting married and engaged before us and I was so green with envy it wasn't even funny. But I somehow dealt with it and I guess I will have to some how deal with this.

On a TMI note, last night I had some major major mucus that is supposed to happen when you ovulate. I kinda wish I was charting so that I could see what is going on with my body. I've been taking B6 pills to try and extend my lutuel phase and by the looks of it, it is working and I am ovulating earlier. TO FREAKIN BAD DH ISN'T HOME so we will have no chance again this month.

Anyways, I got my little venting off my chest......until I get pissed off next time. Chow

One Flew Over the Cokoo's Nest

Well, I'm not pregnant and I had a freak out.

My mom was visiting and we had had a few drinks and were talking about my sisters and brother and there problems and how my mom likes to keep out of our lives. One thing leads to another and it is mentioned that I have no problems. Thats when I lost it, started bawling and said that I'm scared that I can't have a baby. I explained the WHOLE truth to my mom and felt like shit. I've never admitted the whole truth to no one but DH.

Its scary when the truth comes out, it all seems so much real. Mom and I talked, nothing making me feel better. I went to bed, cried and stared at the walls empitly. I woke up in the am crying more and felt the inevitably cramps of stupid AF. The next few mornings I woke up and went to sleep crying. I was unbelievably sad.

DH got home and I told him all my fears. I told him everything, about how really worried I am, about how I just bought a cloth diaper on ebay We've talked a few times since then and I feel much better about it all now that it is off my chest. Turns out DH is pretty worried too.

Now its time to do something about it. Do we go to the doctors? What if it is me??? I don't know if I want to know but not knowing will probably drive me insane. What if it is DH?? Will I still love him as much, will I want a divorce, will I hold it over his head for the rest of our lives?? I still haven't decided to make an appointment or not. I love my hubby more than anything and I would be happy with just him for the rest of my life, but I know that I would be happier with a family.

I've decided to quit charting. I starred at the damn chart for hours a day, wondering. It lead me to be all kinds of compulsive. I'm regular. I know when I will ovulate. There is just no reason to put myself through the torture of obsession. Now I've gotta stop thinking about it.....

I love blogging about this. Getting my feelings out there and not being judged by anyone. I just wonder if anyone is actually reading this.

Now we have to keep praying and stop obsessing!

I would give it up in a heart beat

I am still stuck in two week wait and I am going absolutely crazy. I am pretty postive that I am PMSing but I don't want to be. Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please let me be pregnant.

If you look at my life through a window, one might say its pretty perfect. I have a very happy marriage, lots of love, no big fights, a cute couple (lol). We live in a beautiful brand new house with all the upgrades we could have done and its all paid for. Everything in our house is brand new and paid for. We have an awesome family that we get along great with and same as our friends. Our health is good. I am fortunate enough to have been able to take the summer off.

But I can't help but think that we can't have everything.....is a baby the one thing we can't have? I would give up everything, except for our marriage, health and friends and family. I don't give a shit about the material possessions. I want to make a baby that is half me and half my husband. I want to see my husband flourish as a daddy aand I want him to see me as a mom.

I don't really know anyone else that has fertility issues, could we be the one in ten couples that do? Fertility issues, I don't even know if we do have issues I just want that BFP!

PLEASE

Did I Swallow Some Crack

I have soooo much energy, I am wondering if someone put some crack in my coffee. The last two days I have just been off the wall with twitchy nerves. I feel like I could run a marathon. I haven`t even been drinking much coffee, maybe 2 cups a day. Weird. I should really be doing something with all my energy, but of course I am not, being lazy and wasting my days away. I am getting bored, hell I am bored. Its time for a job. I can`t believe its already been 3 months of unemployment so far, never thought I would last this long but I am so happy I did it. I haven`t had time to relax in years and I think I am officially caught up.

Days are dragging. I`m in the two week wait for my stupid period, which I hope and pray I don`t get. I take my temps every morning and turns out that fertility friend says I ovulated two days after DH left for work. Damnit, but they could be wrong....... My temps are still up but I am only 6DPO so I`ve got some waiting to do. God I want to be pregnant. Please let it be this month. My period is supposed to be here on the 2nd, so we will see then I suppose. Please don`t let it be a let down like every other month.

What the fuck is going on with my keyboard. None of the proper second symbols are working, as u can see with my apostraphies.

DH wants me to go for a drive today and buy him a quad. I think this is the stupidest thing I`ve heard all week. I would never send him to Calgary to buy me a pair of shoes, so why would he send me to this town that is two hours away.

Its my birthday next week. One of our good friends shares a bday with me and she wants to do something together. Except she is so boring, wants to stay home and have a BBQ. I suggested we go bowling, you know do something and get out of the house but she wants to stay at home. I have been very vague with her when she brings it up. But the other day I seen one of our other friends wrote on his FB that he is excited for our bday extravagaza. I want to go out and have fun dammit but I guess I don`t give to shits about my birthday so whatever.....

I Want That, Right Now

And that leads us to today, still not pregnant.

Who knew it was going to be so difficult? I am really starting to stress about it and don't have anyone to talk to it about. Sure I've told a few people but no one (including DH) knows how much I am strugglling with this. I even bought a basal body temperture thingy and have been trying really hard to keep up with it. I even quit drinking caffiene for about a month.

DH thinks it will happen when it happens, part of me believes him, part of me doesn't. We haven't been on birth control for years and years. An explanation to why we haven't gotten pregnant in the past is probably because DH was gone for ridiculous amounts of time. Its hard to get pregnant when you are alone.

I'm getting to the point where it is hard for me to be around friends that are pregnant or have kids. I WANT THAT, RIGHT NOW. I want my kid to look up into my eyes with unconditional love. I want to see DH excel as a father, I want to be the mother to his children, I want to be pregnant and get fat.

Please please lord, pass the gift of children on to my husband and I.

My life, my life, my life

Well I guess I'm not a loser or a blogger. lol I am back here so that I can talk to myself, let the world know my problems without anyone knowing.

My life, my life, my life........

DH and I celebrated our one year anniversary a few weeks ago! I can't believe a year has gone by already. I am happy to say that the first year was great, it wasn't the same, it was just great. We are more comfortable with each other, which I didn't think was possible considering we have been living together for over 6 years before marriage. My love life is PERFECT.

We finally went on our honeymoon this winter. We went to Thailand for a month. It was absolutely perfect. I'm so OCD and like to have everything planned out, but I gave all that up for our trip. We booked our flights and our first night hotel in Bangkok. We had no idea what we were going to do, but we travelled the whole country, seen a lot of neat things, meet some great people and did lots of relaxing. I never thought we would have had such a great time but we did! I could have stayed for a while longer, but part of me (the city girl part) wanted a flushing toliet, hot showers, not living out of a back pack and not worrying about cockroaches crawling all over me. We got home, just in time for a snow storm. Lovely, going from 40 to -20 in 24 hours!

We got home, so in love, so excited to our friends and family. We quickly made a trip home to see our new niece that was born while we were away. That was kinda difficult, since we were expecting a BFP while we were away but lucky me got AF just in time for our flight home. I was happy for BIL and SIL but was also so jealous and a little bit sad. With DH working away all the god damn time, I thought sure as shit that I would be pregnant when we got home....

My first blog....wow I'm a loser. I love the internet and all the useful (and not so useful) information that I can find on here, it has definately changed my life. First I was introduced to MSN to keep in touch with my lil sis back home. Then I found ebay and my bank account has never been the same since. The internet helped with school and researching travel. Then came a forum about weddings and facecrack. Now I'm a blogger........dear lord what have I become??