Random

I lately have been trying to be the best person that I can possibly be. I love being green, it makes me so damn proud to have a overflowing blue box and only one grocery bag of garbage for one week! Go me. Too bad DH industry is like the biggest polluter in Canada. Too bad I drive a big gas gussling truck. But my house is built green, my appliances are energy efficient and I have the coolest and smallest hot water tank in the world. Being green makes me feel so good about myself. I wish everyone would follow in my foot steps and I wish my footsteps were more effective.

I'm a big believer in karma, maybe that is why I have the word karma tattoo'd on my side, so that karma is always on my side. I feel so guilty if I do something bad (like the other day when I took the open box sticker off a mouse at Best Buy and put it on the box that I was buying). Jesh, what a horrible person. But someone I make it ok in my head because they are big corporate companies that rob money blindy from me. Like when we bought our flat screen a few years ago, we paid 3 grand for it and now you can buy them for like 1.5 grand. I think I could become obsessed about being in the power of good karma.

Trying To Keep It Together

Well, I've been doing pretty good with the whole not thinking about the baby, TTC issue.....until yesterday. I was so excited to see that AC/DC is touring, I hopped into my email to send DH the links so I could beg him to spend $800 on flights to go see them. Anyways, I see my friend had emailed me and the subject line was announcement. I open the email and there is this cute little slide saying that they are adding to their home, by two feet. EDD March. I just stopped and stared at my computer for a minute, got mad and slammed my laptop down and went and had a hot shower. Before I opened the doors to get out the shower I talked myself down and said I was going to leave all my sadness and jealousy in the shower. That worked pretty good.

It still makes me a little angry. My friend just got married at the end of July and she is older (32ish) and didn't want kids but her DH did. I suspect that they are having a wedding night baby. I'm hapy for them but I am so jealous.

I looked at my SIL pictures on facebook and there was our darling niece. Each little caption (Daddy's little girl, smiling for mama, etc) just pulls at my heart strings. They started dating after we did (over a year later), DH is the oldest child, they got married a year before us and had babies before us. We were supposed to be the first but I'm over that. I realize that they don't have life goals like we do but I'm pretty sure they went off BC on there first wedding anniversary and 9 months later came the little bundle of joy.

How am I going to deal with jealousy? I'm trying. I'm a bigger woman than that, I know I am. But I remember when everyone was getting married and engaged before us and I was so green with envy it wasn't even funny. But I somehow dealt with it and I guess I will have to some how deal with this.

On a TMI note, last night I had some major major mucus that is supposed to happen when you ovulate. I kinda wish I was charting so that I could see what is going on with my body. I've been taking B6 pills to try and extend my lutuel phase and by the looks of it, it is working and I am ovulating earlier. TO FREAKIN BAD DH ISN'T HOME so we will have no chance again this month.

Anyways, I got my little venting off my chest......until I get pissed off next time. Chow

One Flew Over the Cokoo's Nest

Well, I'm not pregnant and I had a freak out.

My mom was visiting and we had had a few drinks and were talking about my sisters and brother and there problems and how my mom likes to keep out of our lives. One thing leads to another and it is mentioned that I have no problems. Thats when I lost it, started bawling and said that I'm scared that I can't have a baby. I explained the WHOLE truth to my mom and felt like shit. I've never admitted the whole truth to no one but DH.

Its scary when the truth comes out, it all seems so much real. Mom and I talked, nothing making me feel better. I went to bed, cried and stared at the walls empitly. I woke up in the am crying more and felt the inevitably cramps of stupid AF. The next few mornings I woke up and went to sleep crying. I was unbelievably sad.

DH got home and I told him all my fears. I told him everything, about how really worried I am, about how I just bought a cloth diaper on ebay We've talked a few times since then and I feel much better about it all now that it is off my chest. Turns out DH is pretty worried too.

Now its time to do something about it. Do we go to the doctors? What if it is me??? I don't know if I want to know but not knowing will probably drive me insane. What if it is DH?? Will I still love him as much, will I want a divorce, will I hold it over his head for the rest of our lives?? I still haven't decided to make an appointment or not. I love my hubby more than anything and I would be happy with just him for the rest of my life, but I know that I would be happier with a family.

I've decided to quit charting. I starred at the damn chart for hours a day, wondering. It lead me to be all kinds of compulsive. I'm regular. I know when I will ovulate. There is just no reason to put myself through the torture of obsession. Now I've gotta stop thinking about it.....

I love blogging about this. Getting my feelings out there and not being judged by anyone. I just wonder if anyone is actually reading this.

Now we have to keep praying and stop obsessing!