Peace

Ahhh, I love not having to think about if I am ovulating, if we should have sex and if my period is going to show up.....DH is still out of town at work and there is no end in sight. So this month is a write off and that is ok, I need to chill and not to think about the TTC process. I hope I can keep this up next month.

DH should be home in time for next month so I am going to take clomid again, joy!?! Not looking forward to that but April does bring a lot of excitement. A trip home planned, my brother visiting and my BFF's baby shower! Hopefully I can keep my out of control clomid emotions in check for all of that!

I've come to terms with not conceiving last month. I got a pretty big infection and I couldn't be on the meds if I was pregnant. Plus DH is pretty worried about the economy and how much time he might have off this spring and if there will be much work after spring. So maybe the big man up above is looking out for us and I thank him for that. It will be our time when it is meant to be our time!!! Maybe god if finally teaching me patience......

Nothing too much else is new. I kinda fell off the weightloss wagon, took 3 days off. Not that I over ate or anything (I could barely keep my calories up) but I didn't exercise for 3 whole days, which is fine but it sure did feel good to get back on the wagon yesterday. We got a huge dump of snow today so I got some extra exercise in shovelling the foot of snow from our walk way and deck!! Good lord that was a work out!!!

Better

I am feeling a little better today. I have been having a pity party the day my period arrives for the last few months and there is nothing I can do about it. Honestly I think it is part of the process, kind of a grieving process. TTC unsuccessfully is the hardest thing that I have ever been thru and I just pray that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

I had a great chat with my mom last night. I just needed to talk to someone. To let all my problems and fears come out. I didn't hold anything back and it felt great, even though I don't like hearing opinions about DR's etc. But I did feel like my mom understood that this isn't easy and that it isn't something that I can just forget about and not worry about.

I just love the way my mom can make me feel better. I'm a 25 year old woman that still calls my mom when I'm sick and feel much better after talking to her. I hope that one day I can be that good of mom to my child.

I found this quote last night that I am thinking about passing on to a few friends to enlighten their understanding:

"The experience of infertility plunges people into contact with the outermost reaches of their humanity. Infertility is a profound crisis that threatens identity, relationships, and continuity. It threatens one’s sense of the world, it disturbs beliefs and assumptions, and it belies safety and security. It is an emergency that uses up coping skills, and depletes resources; people start to run on empty as their chronic stress levels move into the area of trauma. Infertility can shut people down emotionally, it necessarily limits and narrows; people are functioning in “emergency mode,” a black and white vantage point that oversimplifies for the purpose of survival. This is not the best place to understand the complexities of human interactions, or the perspective of the “other;” this is a time to survive, and everything else may feel inessential, a luxury."

What a Difference A Day Makes

Its amazing what a difference one day makes.....

Yesterdays Feelings: Scared, Anxious, Hopeful, Excited, Nervous, Impatient

Todays Feelings: Hate, Anger, Hopelessness, Pity, Despair, Depression, Sad, Empty, Scared, Mad, Done

So it seems like a month of doing everything possible, taking drugs that cause my ovaries to go into overtime, having copious amounts of sex, laying in bed for long periods of time after sex, worrying about if we did it is ALL A WASTE OF FUCKING TIME AND ENERGY.

I'm so scared that its never going to happen for us. We did everything right this month and nothing happened. DH even stayed home from work so that we could get in all the BDing possible.

I'm so utterly sad. I'm so fucking mad. But I am terribly empty.....

....

Well I'm still waiting for answers. I'm so scared every single time that I go to the bathroom that I will see red. So scared that I find myself praying on the toliet seat.

Since my cycle was so wacky last month (26 days only), I am guestimating that AF was due yesterday or today. Usually she rears her ugly head later in the afternoon, so I am still praying. I told myself the other day I would allow myself to test tomorrow but I am not sure that I am brave enough to see a BFN.

I am obsessively looking shit up on the interwebz and have been reading lots about clomid causing AF to come late and playing horrible mind games with all the poor women so that is what is making me scared to test.

I really don't want to get AF this month and I am truly scared.

In other news, I am still diligently working out and eating well. Since January I have gone from 150-143ish! Woop woop. I think I am doing fabulously but still need to work on my diet because most days I am not getting enough fat and too many carbs and right around the right mark of calories. For excercise I have only been doing my Wii Fit. I have stepped it up this last week and have started doing the jack knife and plank challenges, was up to 50 jack knives yesterday. At night I've been doing the free step for about half hour and on Monday I stepped it up to 40 minutes and yesterday I bought 2.5 weights for my arms or legs and for half an hour I kept them on my legs and for an extra ten minutes I put them on my arms and did various different lifts and then I did the free run for 10 minutes. I am hoping come spring that I will be out jogging! And come summer I will be running around in a little bikini and hopefully not being self conscious!

Still Waiting

I've spent the morning drinking delicous Tim Hortons coffee and reading blogs about TTC. Some of them were very old and not updated but lots of them are now pregnant and unfortunately some are still trying. I love reading that after being so hopeless that they are now pregnant! I so hope I can be one of those blogs one day.

I like reading about other peoples journey in the TTC process. It really gives me hope. Plus I love knowing that I'm not the only crazy obsessive woman out there. Its so hard to keep all my emotions all bundled up and not share them with anyone because no one understands what I am going thru.

The last few nights I have been having baby dreams. The first night it was about me being pregnant and the next night it was about my best friend (who is having a baby). The second dream had me very sad when I woke up. I told DH about my dream and that I was being a funky monkey (my new term that I came up with this week when I was just feeling BLAH). He then asked me if I thought this was our month and how he hoped it was. Very sweet and touching but I crushed those dreams with my funky monkiness and told him that it probably wasn't and that it would not happen.

I am happy to report that I didn't have any baby dreams last night, so that is good. Its not good waking up sad and feeling oh so empty. I was so tired last night that I was in bed around 10pm and sleeping way before 11pm, which is odd for me.

I can't type and drink coffee at the same time so I should run!

Loooooooongest Month Eva

Good lord, this is the longest cycle ever. I hate waiting. Usually I only obsess during the 2WW but since I was on clomid this month, I've been obsessing since CD5! Eeeek!

We've been trying to keep busy to keep my mind off of things but those thoughts are still rotating thru my head.

Only about 6 or so more days of waiting.

God I want good news! I had a wonderful dream last night that I was just days away from giving birth and I was running around in the mall of my hometown with my BFF from my current city and we were trying to find a baby naming book because I had no ideas what to name my baby. I woke up sad and a little hopeful.

My time will come! My time will come!