One Flew Over the Cokoo's Nest

Well, I'm not pregnant and I had a freak out.

My mom was visiting and we had had a few drinks and were talking about my sisters and brother and there problems and how my mom likes to keep out of our lives. One thing leads to another and it is mentioned that I have no problems. Thats when I lost it, started bawling and said that I'm scared that I can't have a baby. I explained the WHOLE truth to my mom and felt like shit. I've never admitted the whole truth to no one but DH.

Its scary when the truth comes out, it all seems so much real. Mom and I talked, nothing making me feel better. I went to bed, cried and stared at the walls empitly. I woke up in the am crying more and felt the inevitably cramps of stupid AF. The next few mornings I woke up and went to sleep crying. I was unbelievably sad.

DH got home and I told him all my fears. I told him everything, about how really worried I am, about how I just bought a cloth diaper on ebay We've talked a few times since then and I feel much better about it all now that it is off my chest. Turns out DH is pretty worried too.

Now its time to do something about it. Do we go to the doctors? What if it is me??? I don't know if I want to know but not knowing will probably drive me insane. What if it is DH?? Will I still love him as much, will I want a divorce, will I hold it over his head for the rest of our lives?? I still haven't decided to make an appointment or not. I love my hubby more than anything and I would be happy with just him for the rest of my life, but I know that I would be happier with a family.

I've decided to quit charting. I starred at the damn chart for hours a day, wondering. It lead me to be all kinds of compulsive. I'm regular. I know when I will ovulate. There is just no reason to put myself through the torture of obsession. Now I've gotta stop thinking about it.....

I love blogging about this. Getting my feelings out there and not being judged by anyone. I just wonder if anyone is actually reading this.

Now we have to keep praying and stop obsessing!